Friends with an Introvert

I just wanted to make a new blog the last one I made I decided to remove. I was upset when I wrote it, and it really didn’t need to be published.

So today we are going to talk about being friends with an Introvert, (aka Me). I just want all my friends to know that I love y’all and if I don’t come to something or I don’t want to go anywhere a certain night it isn’t because of y’all. It is all me. There are nights I just want to lay around. I also tend to avoid place with a lot of people. That though I believe is due to anxiety.

I know there are people out there that think I am a slacker. I am not a slacker, in fact I have been working since I was 15 about to be 16. The thing going on right now is that I am sick. I am trying to get things in order. I have depression, extreme OCD and extreme anxiety. It isn’t easy to live with. I am going to be working again, but there is only certain jobs that I have been approved for by my doctor. Those include low stress and only a few number people to work with. Finding a job like that in Laurel? Yeah it is hard!! I tend to be slow at doing things like work (Sweeping, cleaning, and even making coffee or something to drink), which I can’t help. I can’t be a cashier because I can’t handle the stress. I see everything laid out there on the counter and the line is backed up and I start panicking. I just can’t do it.

I really can’t go into everything that comes with being an introvert, but Google it and read about it. I also hate having to get money from my Parents, my brother and friends. I know I should have, and be making my own money, but I can’t right now, so going out on the weekends I usually have about $5. there isn’t a lot you can do with $5 so I like to go sit and Jitters and just talk with everyone. I have become a early to get home type of person, which a lot of that is because I have to take my meds on time. I once was able to stay out all night, not anymore.

I guess I wanted to write this to kinda explain my situation I am in at this time. I know I don’t have to explain anything to anyone if I don’t want to, but I wanted to. People see the outside me laughing, smiling, cutting up, but let me tell you I am a damn good actor. I have been putting on a show for many years. Firstly with hiding being Gay and secondly with hiding my feelings.

I have started to realize that I can be honest and it isn’t going to hurt anyone. So I am getting to where I don’t hide my feelings as much. It will all come together in time.

Remember I love you all!!

Much Love Always!!!

Conversion Therapy

So I have had a interesting conversation on whisper this morning. I had a guy tell me that I need to look at testimonies of gay people that have went through conversion therapy.

I have to say that it has bothered me. I mean I am gay, I have always been. I mean am I doing something wrong? I personally don’t believe in conversion therapy, but I have to say it makes me think.

I try to live up to the right standards, but something always shoots me down. I mean I don’t choose to be this way. I would never choose it. I just don’t know.

All I know is I can only be who I am. This is me!!

Much love!!

Life is Life!!

Life hasn’t really been real exciting here lately. Well I guess it has being I am feeling a lot better. I still have my bad days of course, but I am starting to learn to move on from those feelings.

I have started seeing a new Psychiatrist, and he has really helped me and put things in prescriptive for me. He is helping me with my identity problem, which I am starting to realize I’m just Matty. I am gay and not transgender. It is really a lot in what the doctor told me that made me realize this, and also that it is okay for me to be gay. I have hated myself for so many years that if feels kinda strange to be somewhat settled. I am working on things to get me back to myself. I am playing video games again, reading again, watching TV and movies again, so it is a slow process, but I am getting there.

I have tried to start going out more on the weekends. I miss my friends and I love seeing them again. I am not looking for a job right now, because he hasn’t released me to do that just yet. I doing a little journal exercise that is getting me active during the day again. When the doctor called me out I wanted to get mad, but I knew I couldn’t because he was telling the truth. I guess sometimes it just takes someone to say “LISTEN!!”

My main goal for now is to get everything stable. Then I am moving on to moving out. I won’t be in Laurel, but I will be close. I just really wanted to write this real quick before bed to update everyone on where I am. I am heading to bed now, lol!! I hope all is well with everyone that reads this.

Much Love!

The Long December…

As I sit here in my bed on this night, the night before Christmas Eve I think of how long December has felt. The Month started off amazing and absolutely joyful. Then it became very hard. I am still very much in mourning for my cousin Lee Green. I hide behind a smile, but when I am alone is when that smile breaks. I have lost two cousins way to early in their lives. Lee was the nicest guy ever, but I started to see the decline. His smile changed. I remember the bright smile that I grew up with and have seen so many times in my life. Then as time went on and he became sick and full of sadness I saw the difference in that smile.

The first time I saw that different smile was at the Christmas parade two years ago. The smile wasn’t bright anymore it had dimmed a lot. It was a smile of sadness. I know Lee’s death has hit me so hard because I have been there. I have put on that smile of sadness. I have been to where Lee was that morning, many times. To be different, in pain, for your heart to hurt everyday it takes a toll on the soul. I am proud because I know Lee is with the Lord and is in no more pain. I know he will see his girls this Christmas morning when the see that Santa has came, but I still ask myself, like so many. Could I have done or said something to change the outcome?

I have been through what he was thinking, could I have been the one to change his mind? I know I can’t live my life asking myself that question everyday, but it will always be in the back of my mind. A lot of people do not understand depression and where it can take someone. There has literally been times that I have hurt so bad from (the thorn in my side that I will have to live with forever) that I have wondered what is there to live for? The Lord blessed me with an amazing support group in that being my Dad, Mom, and Brother. I don’t think they know how many times they have changed my complete suicidal mind to one of hope and acceptance.

Life is not easy, but there are things the Lord gives you to help you through it. Sometimes though the pain overtakes the mind and life ends. Even though I didn’t see Lee everyday I miss him like crazy. I wanted to see that bright smile again. I automatically put myself in a place of being strong for others when things happen. I went to visitation that night and I saw all the family, friends, and students come out of the room in tears. I made sure that if anyone needed to talk I was there and might be able to make them smile for at least a minute. By the time the funeral came the next day, I wasn’t strong anymore. I chose not to go to the funeral, because I didn’t have strong in me anymore. Reality had set in and I was a mess. I am sorry I missed Lee’s funeral, but I know he knows why I couldn’t go.

This actually started out as a blog about the Month of December being long, but I have Lee on my mind. I will continue with December. After Lee’s passing, we now have a tornado that hit the night before Christmas eve. My prayers and love goes out to those who lost loved ones and homes. I guess really to sum this blog up the month of December has been very long and at times strange. Wow! Lee took over my blog, and that is welcomed. I am sitting here thinking “what else was I going to say?” Lee must be here with me tonight. I’m going to end this blog with never think someone is doing okay, know that person is doing okay. Be a beacon of help and hope, as the Lord would want you to be. Never look down on someone different, in pain, disabled, or not like you. You make sure you Love! Make sure you look around at how the Lord has blessed you everyday. Remember to pray, Remember to thank the Lord for those blessings, Remember to enjoy life, Remember to stick up for someone being put down, and most of all…. Never let your pride harm someone else. Sorry if the ending is a bit random, I literally went blank for a bit.

Much Love, and Merry Christmas!!

Who am I?

I have had so many people here lately tell me I need to find out who I am. I can honestly say I don’t know who I am. I know I am a born again Christian, and I try to live my life daily as God sees, but I am far from perfect. I know that I have too many female chromosomes. I have too much estrogen. I am attracted to guys only, but does that really make me have to label myself as being gay? I had a good friend tell me one time, (I hope he reads this), That if being gay is what is promoted and acted like these days, I don’t want nothing to do with the LGBTQ community. I am very disconnected from the community anyway. I feel there are too many attitudes, and just flat out rudeness.

But honestly how does one find themselves? Ru Paul says that to find and love and yourself it takes a lot of Therapy and time. I mean I know the things I love. I love Movies, Theatre, Music, Internet shopping, my cell phone, Chanel, and things like that. To find yourself is on a deeper level than just those things. I don’t feel lost because I know I’m not and I know God is going to guide me in the ways he would have me go, but I think about if I was sitting next to Jesus and I ask him who am I? what he would say.

I have very strong convictions and I tend to always follow those convictions. The time I haven’t followed them, I have ended up where I didn’t need to be. I don’t want to blog to be just random gibberish, but that is kinda how my mind is right now. I guess I’m going to end it here, but please, please y’all give me some feedback on this. I guess my main question out of all of this is “How do you find out who you are?”

Much Love!

Just me!!

Hey y’all!! Again sorry its been so long. I have been busy with the Addams Family musical, and all. I do have to say that some of my MIA has been because I didn’t know what I wanted to write. I got that now, so here we go!

There will not be a Transgender blog because I don’t really feel I am transgender. Do I have too many female chromosomes? Most likely, Do I have too much Estrogen? Yes. Was I born that way? Hell yeah! Do you think I would choose this? So from this point on I am just Matty. I will learn to love myself. I will believe that I can wear whatever I want to wear. I will set boundaries on some things, because honestly these things I don’t think are appropriate. Life has been hard for me, but from this point on I will work to make it better. I will not label myself. What people think of me is really none of my business. At least when they are talking about me they are giving someone else a break. I love who and what I love, cant help that, and I wont apologize for it!

As for religion. I am not religious, I am spiritual. I believe in God I know he saved me when I asked him to, and that is that. Going to church just really isn’t for me right now. I do pray and I do a devotion. Now for those people that are atheist or other religions. I still love you the same as always. That is what you see is right for you. Have I ever been pushed to almost the point of being an atheist? I was close. Why? Because the first time I ever heard the word “fag” was at a church by a deacon at that church, also do I like being told I’m going to hell every Sunday? No!! To be honest the ones that are telling people they are going to hell are the same people that have skeletons in their closet, and I’m talking that closet is packed full! Now don’t get me wrong, not all are like this. I know there are good ones out there. A few! Don’t judge it is not your job!!

Love! I want to find love one day, if it is soon I would be fine with that, but he will need to accept me for who I am. I tend to be stuck in my ways, lol!! (Mom I know you are laughing at this.) Oh and I like Pink! lol!! Okay I think that is all I had on my mind. This blog might read a little random, but my brain is very random.

I’m different, shy, a little kooky, loving, I have interest in things people would call strange like Horror/Slasher movies, Witches, and Vampires. I get nervous when I meet new people, and I do tend to talk a lot sometimes, but when you add all those things and more together……

You get Matty!!

Much love to you all!!

Okay Y’all 33 on the 2nd.

I love birthdays, I always have, but there is that fact that I am getting older. So I start to think about the future. Not fun!! I don’t really know where my life is taking me. I know one thing, the person that said you always speak whats on your mind…… they were wrong! My mind is racing right now and I feel very strange inside.

I went to the doctor today and he up’ed my blood pressure meds, but I have had a horrible headache. I have took Aleve and it isn’t touching it. I hope it’s gone away by tomorrow. I was extremely excited about the play, but now I am not really there anymore. It’s going to be fun, but I don’t know. I guess I’m just having a bad night.

I am hoping my book get published in the new year, probably the end of the year, but hopefully next year. Some of the stuff in it y’all will recognize from this blog, but there is soooo much more in it, and I don’t know if I have finished it yet. I might add some new stuff and end it at mid 33. Agh!! I think I just need to go to bed. I have got to make sure I stay upbeat even though my future is completely blank. Should I stay in the Addams Family or leave. I know leaving is being a quitter, but….. I just need to sleep on a few things. That is it tonight.

Much Love Y’all!

Matty

Hey Y’all! Sorry it been so long….

This isn’t going to be my transgender post. I am just not quite ready for that entry yet. I know a lot of people just say “Well just write it!” Well it isn’t that easy. When writing it, it is going to take me back to some very uncomfortable times, so my mind must be ready for it.

The main things that has been going on with me are, The Addams Family the Musical at LLT, High Blood Pressure, changing eating habits, and My BIRTHDAY!! Yay!! I love being surprised. I am already waiting on one thing to come in that is pretty much my biggest Bday gift from Mom and Dad. Then I have a few little things that aren’t really for my bday coming in. I love the weekdays because I love getting stuff in the mail. It brightens my whole day, lol!! I have an Amazon wish list a mile long, and I just love to look at it and dream….. so sad. Okay of enough about that.

Lets Talk about Addams Family. It is so much, everyone is going to love it. It is very, very, hard on a newcomer though. I am losing time a bit, and I am having to learn to stagger my breathes, and when to breathe. Not easy!!! I really do hope you all get to come. We want to sell out every night, but we aren’t sure whats going to happen. I hope I get my t-shirt tomorrow night.

I have to go back to the doctor this Tuesday at 8:30 for my refills and for him to check my lungs, ears, sodium, and most of all my blood pressure. I hate going to the doctor. I never really know what to say or how to phrase things. I get nervous, lol!! I guess I am going to end it here for tonight. Oh and another thing, I need a good man. Y’all keep an eye out, lol!!

I hope everyone has a great week, and much Love!!

Matty!!

***Transgender one still coming soon***

Halloween Soon!!

I’m back y’all!

  Sorry it took me so long to come back. I just have to mentally prepare myself for what I’m going to put in here. Tonight I am going to talk about my job situation so people know whats going on and why I am not working.

  A couple years or so back I was seeing Dr. Kaul at South Central Behavior Health. I was having the same problems I have had all my life. She decided to put me on a medicine called Risperdal. It was supposed to help with my symptoms that come from my OCD, BiPolar, Depression, and Anxiety. I took it for a while and I was able to focus good. That was when I was real big into reading. I could sit in my room and read for hours, but I also seemed to have more of a schedule. I would read, then watch some tv, then read again, and so on.

  Well my family noticed that even though I was concentrating better I was a zombie. I didn’t laugh, I didn’t listen to anything that was being said, I didn’t cry, nothing. I was just dead to the world. I decided to get off of the risperdal by tapering down. I was successful, I didn’t have many side effect from it at all. Well I thought everything was good, boy was I wrong.

  I went to work at Dollar General a little bit after I stopped the Risperdal. The first thing I noticed was I was slow, slow at everything. I was always the one counting my register last. Sweeping took me forever. Taking inventory I couldn’t do anymore. I would get a buggy of products that needed to be shelved and I would stand there trying to figure out where to start first. I was so confused and it made me frustrated, because I wasn’t ever like that. I could work circles around people in the old days. I was also very short tempered. I got frustrated first and then completely pissed off after that. I took as much as I could there and I ended up leaving Dollar General not long after I started there. Plus the manager was a complete suck up to the managers. It was a shit job. I wouldn’t suggest anyone work there.

  After that I went to work at Walgreens in Hattiesburg. Oh it was horrible! No one knew what was going on there. They would just throw you in a different department and expect you to know how to run it and to be able to answer all the customers questions. I loved some of the people I worked with there though they where cool, but some I would set on fire if I could. Nasty ass bitches. Okay back to what I was talking about. I noticed the same problems there that I had at Dollar General. There was a new one there though. I hated customers. I once loved people and especially my customers. Hell, not anymore. I ended up leaving there also because I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, and my mind couldn’t take it. The not knowing what department I was going to be in made my anxiety worse.

  After I left both jobs my depression was bad, because I felt like a failure. I mean I couldn’t even keep a job. I later on figured out that it was out of my hands. I couldn’t fix my brain.

  I am sad to say, that none of these problems have went away. I still deal with them everyday. I have some days where I am so frustrated I have to come to my room and just go to sleep, because when I sleep I am in my own world. Is there a type
of therapy for the problems I am having? I have no idea. I haven’t found one yet.

  So the reason I am not working are those reasons. I am working everyday to try to get my mind back right. it is hard. So when it comes to Risperdal please think before you get on it. I wont take it again.

  I guess I am going to leave it here. I hope y’all enjoy reading it, and please don’t count m grammar mistakes, lol!! 😉 

Much Love!

Oh, and the answer to the LGBT question in my last blog, which letter am I in LGBT, I am T I am transgender. The medical term is Gender Identity Disorder. I will talk about it in my next entry.